Sunday, September 24, 2006
9:27 AM
Singapura, my idol
by alano, the jealous fan
15 Years after buying more than 50% of the shares from Guinness, Tiger's Book of World Records Pte Ltd has published the 65th edition of the very popular Tiger Book of World Records. As usual, Singapore tops the list of record-breakers with USA and China coming in at a very distant 2nd and 3rd position. It is not known why Singapore has suddenly emerged to such a pole figure in the world recently, but intelligence pointed out this is not caused due to Tiger holding the majority of the shares.
The 1st Singaporean record breaker featured in this book is Ms. Iderl Seow who breaks the record of worshipping 32 consecutive idols and changing her idols as fast as the galaxy spins. In the 32nd season of Singapore Idol, Ms. Seow started idolising the very cute and boyish Johnny Lee and has commented that she really believes he will win the Singapore Idol while feverishly sms-ing her votes on her 6G handphone. Ms. Seow is the only proud fan to boast having 32 seperate idols since the start of Singapore Idol. When asked whether she still adores Taufik Batisah, she replies: "Tau what? I don't like Tau Gwa, Tau Geh nor Tau Hweh." At 50 years of age, Ms. Seow also holds another record of not having a boyfriend since she was 16. When asked why, she sadly explains:"Cos i Idol siao lo, always want to look for stead like the idol. But always don't have. Sians." Judges of the Singapore Idol, Mr. Cock Lee and Ms. Jacintha Abishegenadendafennitongkatalimynameissolongtheshowspendstenminutesintroducingme declined to comment on Ms. Seow's record breaking feat.
The Singapore Idol franchise also registers another official world record as the only Idol competition in the world to boast 32 male winners. It also holds another record of having 32 male 1st runner ups as well. Well done Singapore!
Starhub Mobile has announced a $6million revenue in the 1st quarter of this year, $4 million more than the total revenue of last year. Starhub has declined to commit idol voting phone calls and sms-es as the contributor of this 300% revenue boost.
6000 Females aged 16-25 declared bankrupt in the 1st quarter of this year. It is stressed that this has nothing to do with Singapore Idol.
At the finals show, 500,000 screaming female fans jam packed the indoor stadium. Ushers started organizing the fans and separating the Johnny fans from the Fady fans. It’s the 32nd year running that we had two male finalists – one rockerish Chinese and a non-mat looking RnB cool Malay. When do fans ever get bored?
As the fans screamed and chanted “We want Johnny” and “Fady come out” as the show counted down to the opening, lots of billboards can be seen being carried and waved around. The crowd is easily divided into Johnny’s pink coloured fans and Fady’s purple coloured fans.
2 minutes before the show, the lights were suddenly shut off. Police siren rang loudly outside the stadium. Choppers were visibly present circling around the stadium. Suddenly, hundreds of police officers stormed the building, followed by tens of SWAT officers scaling down from the rooftop. 6 anti-protest trucks streamed in from all corners and started spraying water jets at the fans.
“Keep quiet and stay down. Do not protest. I repeat, do not protest. Cooperate with us and you will be safe.” Chief officer ASP Don Po Tes screamed on the loudhailer.
With that, all 500,000 fans were rounded off to the New Changi Prison Terminal 2, voted the best prison in the world this year by Prisons International Committee K Section (PRICKS). “They will receive the best treatment over there, rest assured. We will strive to achieve excellent service standards, aligning with the government’s plans. If our officers treat them well, the prisoners can actually give them a GEMs card. This will in turn motivate our prison officers to strive for more service excellence for the benefit of the country’s service sector.” ASP Don explains to us as he showed us around the facility; we are impressed.
Security checks were put in place as family and friends gathered around the prison facility. It’s visiting day today at Changi and security is tight, much akin to the IMF meetings held 32 years ago. Nobody knows why they never came back to hold their meetings in Singapore ever again, instead choosing neighbouring Batam as their most popular destination.
Many visitors were denied entry into the maximum security prison as they were deemed to have “criminal records”. When interviewed, Mr. Cho Lao Ho answered: “Nabeh, only 45 years ago scold my primary school teacher kena write on notebook by prefect also canot go in.”
Rumours of terrorists rang in to ASP Don as he briefed his team: “Got big group shouting, shoot them! Don’t care! This is an order” With that, the anti-protest team marched in to the prison.
Later in the evening, a group of orientation students from Temasek Polytechnic streamed pass the prison. “TP OOI!” “OOI!”
With that, the anti-protest team stormed the students, shooting without mercy. Upon witnessing this horror, a group of parents waiting to enter the prison shouted at the troops: “KANINA WHY U SHOOT THEM” With that, the anti-protest team fired mercilessly at the visitors. Chaos rang aloud around the prison as more and more innocent people were killed. The security officers shouted at the people to keep quiet. They in turn were shot and killed. As ASP Don witnessed this scene, he shouted at his anti-protest team. He was killed. The anti-protest team screamed in fear as they knew they had done something wrong. They killed themselves too.
Amidst the hordes of bodies and smell of fresh blood, an old man strolled in, with receding hairline and quite gay, clad in a white cloak. Looking at what has happened and amidst the silence of the environment, he muttered smugly under his breath: “ After 32 years, I can take revenge on you idiots who never vote for Jasmine Tye. Go to Hell assholes. Muahhaha.”
N.B Of course, all this are fictitious and would never have happened. Why you may ask? Because, how can Singapore Idol even have season 3? *rolls eyes*
Monday, September 04, 2006
11:40 PM
Angered Plutonians attack Earth
by alano, the earth bound plutonian
Early this morning, Singapore Intelligence Agency (SIA) has detected an unidentified object in the skies. It is believed to be the cause of the recent showers experienced in Singapore and the reason behind lousy Singapore Idols.
The SIA has evidence to believe this unidentified object, shaped oddly like a male genetilia, is a spaceship sent from Pluto. The Pluto Conservatory Company (PCC) has confirmed the beliefs. Many have believed the reason for this "unwelcomed" visit from fellow Plutonians is because of the recent removal of their home planet from the solar system by the Space History Information Techology Heads (SHITHeads).
Pictures were captured by the media of this unidentified object approaching the Earth.
The SIA has reason to believe that the spaceship will lengthen itself upon nearing the Earth's atmosphere and attempt to probe the Earth at a rapid speed until most of the Earth's buildings and resources have been weakened. As a final shot, the Plutonian Spacecraft will attempt to shoot a strong jet of toxic Plutonium into the Earth's atmosphere to poison any living creature to death. Many skeptical humans interviewed, upon hearing how the Plutonian spacecraft will attack Earth, have responded with the following words: "It has COME!"
Intelligence have gathered that the spacecraft will eject it's Plutonium toxic directly at the point in the Earth where Singapore lies. Therefore, Scientists all over the world are now gathering upon Singapore, a sunny island off the Straits of Malacca to come up with a solution as to how to stop this phenomenal object from "coming" to the Earth.
Meanwhile, back in Singapore, the People's Important Men Party (PIMP) are gathering to discuss security issues that would be brought upon when the scientists arrive in Singapore. Hotels all over the country have been asked to free rooms for these scientists upon their arrival. Drivers have been trained to ferry these scientists around the island and many voluntary guides have been deployed to guide these scientists around the island when they arrive in Singapore. A countrywide campaign called “Save Me I’m Leaving Earth Soon” (SMILES) campaign have been proposed in view of the arrival of these scientists from all over the world. The SMILES campaign has kicked off to an amazing start with many people sending in pictures of how they would look like “when Earth gets invaded by the angry Plutonians”. The international association of Scientists, Scientists Internationale Association Order (SIAO) has spoken praise of Singapore’s efforts in providing a secure and pleasure location for its Scientists.
Latest reports from SIA have confirmed images of one of the alien Plutonians after it was being shot down while trying to “hump a poodle”. I allege all readers to not be alarmed at the disturbing images about to be portrayed of this fierce looking gruesome alien.
The top scientists have officially touched down upon the sunny island of Singapore and efforts are being made to recover some scientists from China because they always think that Singapore is in China. In the meantime, while waiting for these ignorant scientists, the other scientists are touring the sunny island and some have signed up for tour packages to visit nearby Malaysia, Indonesia and even Thailand. Asian Tourism Arrivals are expected to boom due to this.
As time passes by, many are dying with each minute as the evil Plutonian spacecraft launches its deadly probes on the planet Earth and moans of pain can be heard from the millions of Earthlings with each deep and sensous probe from the spacecraft.
After hours of meetings amongst the elite Scientists, an Asian scientist has come up with a solution to combat the Plutonians. Having initially been ostracized by the other Scientists due to his Asian origins, the other Scientists have finally agreed to follow his recommendations.
The Asian scientist has commented: “Who said that we can only be karate and kungfu masters or open Chinese Food Takeaways in Chinatown and speak with weird accents or be evil Asian mafias who in the end always kena by the chao angmos? We can be scientist also ma!” The Asian Scientist is believed to be of Singaporean origins.
The scientist has stated that the only method of stopping the alien spacecraft is to cover it with a protective sheath made of rubber. This would prevent the spacecraft from ejecting it’s toxic Plutonium into the Earth’s atmosphere which would destroy all of Earth’s mankind. Efforts are being made to produce this “weapon” and Singapore has opened up for applications to companies to spearhead this project. Durex has teamed up with local boys “People of Changi Carpark” (PCC), to submit their application to spearhead this project and they have been viewed as the forerunners of this project. Upon being asked why they have chosen PCC as their partner, the director of Durex, Mr. Con Domisgood have stated that: “Having experience in the Singapore market, PCC would provide us with a competitive advantage over the other applicants and PCC is popular for being able to deal with long shafts day in day out, to the extent of being able to absorb liquids exiting out of this shafts.”
Latest reports from CNN, CCB and KNN have confirmed that the people at Durex-PCC have successfully stopped the toxic plutonium from entering the Earth’s atmosphere. We are safe!
Moral of the Story?
Always wear condom!
Saturday, July 08, 2006
3:08 PM
Moulin Vote
by alan mcgregor, the unelected.
This story is about votes
The elections I lo,
Loved is dead.
There was a boy
A very strange
and damn gay boy
They say he worked
Very hard, very hard
to make posters
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he
And then one day
One magic day
He passed my way
While we spoke
Of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me
"The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to vote and
I could have been elected in return"
Alan:
Votes are a many splendoured thing
Votes lift me up where I belong
All I need was one
TP:
Please don't start that again
Alan:
All you need are votes
Tp:
But Jodin also can sing
Alan:
All you need are votes
TP:
Clifton’s charismatic
Alan:
All you need are votes
TP:
Weisheng is so suave
Alan:
I was made for TPSU
You were made for voting me
TP:
The only way I’ll vote you baby
Is to pay a lovely fee
Alan:
Just one vote
Give me just one vote
TP:
There's no way
Cause you’re so gay
Alan:
For the elections
One seat in the committee
TP:
You crazy fool
I will never vote for you
Alan:
Don't leave me this way
I can't survive without your sweet vote
Oh TP don't leave me this way
TP:
You think that TP would sway in to your silly posters
Alan:
I look around me and I see it should have been so, oh yeah
TP:
Some people wanna see Lee Tat Ming cut his hair
Alan:
Well what's wrong with that
I like to know
Cause here I go again
Alan:
Votes lift me up where I belong
Where the main comms fly
In the student lounge
TP:
Voting for you? Oh we’re not fools
Throw our votes away
For one stupid gay
Alan:
I could have been main comm
Just for one vote
TP:
You, you join sub comm
Alan:
No I won't
TP:
And I, I'll vote Alvin Neo
Alan:
You should have voted
TP:
I won’t do that
Alan:
You should have voted
And that's a fact
TP:
No nothing would make me vote for you
Alan:
I would sell body
Alan:
Just for one vote
You should have voted
For Alan not others
You should have voted
For Alan not others
You should have voted
Alan:
Just because I, and I will always serve you
TP:
I only can't bear
TP:
Voting You
Alan:
How wonderful life is if only
Alan:You have vo-ted!
Monday, May 29, 2006
10:03 AM
You Raise Me Up
by alano, the sleepy
A gooooooooddddd morning ladies and gentleman boys and girls children of all ages! Welcome welcome welcome to alano.blogspot.com and I am here now blogging to all my fans when i'm supposed to have class now. See the amount of sacrifice I am willing to make for all my beloved fans; you!?! Aren't you touched aren't you touched?
*millions of fans on the floor below me bowing and screaming their heads off while i wallow in the limelight and atmosphere grinning from ear to ear and waving excitedly at my millions of fans*
Thank you thank you my pleasure! I love you guys! and girls! and lesbians! and gays! I'm not sexist or sexualist! Thank you thank you!
*SLAPS*
ouch.
kk. i'm sorry for not being able to even fantasize for one minute bitch. ugh.
*SLAPS*
ouch!
DO I HAVE TO TYPE IN CAPS TO SHOW YOU THE DEGREE OF PAIN INCURRED?
*SLAPS*
OUCH!
ok happy now?
bah.
K tat was one whole chunk of nonsense! Woo. Aren't you pissed at me that after reading for so long, it was all nonsense? Wahahha.. I'm so crappy i could drown myself in those shit.
xx-hAHahahAHa-xx
HAHA. Can you believe i used to be one of those people who tYpeS liKe tHiS? sEriouSly.. iTS quIte fUn.. TrY it.. bUt tAkeS A whiLE tO mAStEr. hEex.
HAHA Shiok not jodin?
Ok i'm supposed to have 9am ticketing and reservations class now but i woke up at 9am. how lovely. hope i can get a make-up session on friday. then i can learn how to apply mascara, lipstick, foundation, eyeshadow and how to wear a bra.
Oh? They don't teach you how to wear a bra in make-up sessions? damn! I thot i could see some boobies! HAHA.
Which brings me to my first topic. Yesterday in the lift at Cineleisure, there was this group of 3 guys, as usual, NS Dicks i think, who were talking about America's Next Top Model being the only show in tv that shows boobs and asses. They were so excited talking about this particular episode where the model showed half her ass.
Get a life.
If u want to see boobs and asses, we all know where you can get them.
TEMASEK POLYTECHNIC!
HAHAHHAHA... YOU WERE THINKING PORN SITES RIGHT!!
Perverts.
Yes, you heard me right. Temasek Polytechnic. Listen up Mr Boo...
BOOSAMALIA! (heh..sorry i couldnt resist it again. =P)
okok seriously.. i'm sure MANY and i do mean MANY of you would have realized the state of our school's students now in tp. whorehouse man. Low cut dresses, high cut skirts. wah lao eh.
BUT WHOS COMPLAINING?
I'M NOT!
HAHAHAHA.
*dance around like a pro hip hop artist and proceeds to di ban dong zuo + spins around upside down*
*SLA..
*ducks the slap in a rapid robotic like motion and proceeds to do a robot dance*
YOU CAN'T SLAP ME BITCH!
*SPLASH*
ugh. rust. =(
I cried on saturday watching I Not Stupid Too. Amazing how it made me cry 5 times due to 5 different scenarios. I guess the issues were ones i could relate to. Thanks for taking the tears out. I needed it.
I'm sorry to you and I'm sorry to you too.
I'm sorry to you and I'm sorry to you too.
No amount of sorries can atone for my sins. I know that but I hope you four accept them.
I think i shall end here. Or sherry will kill me if i'm late for project meeting. Don't kill me sherry.. I'll sing you a song?
Tell me the tales that to me were so..
*SLAPS*
OUCH.
Friday, May 12, 2006
1:12 PM
WHAT? An UPDATE?
by alano, who never updates.
Yes ladies and gentleman. This is not a scam. This is 100% real authentic alano goods.
Yes yes yes. If i could earn 10 cents for each time someone asks me to "update ur freaking blog you damn lazy piece of cow excretion!", i could be staying at sentosa cove now frolicking with 16 hot female models and 7000 cows infront of my six storey castle beside my 16 yatchs on my man made beach called... erm..erm.. alano's beach. Oh ya, dont forget one or two hot male models as well. You gotta satisfy that gay bit in you occasionally.
Cheers.
Ok back to reality.
It's been like freaking long since i've last updated, as usual and as usual, so many things have happened in the past few months even though i keep emphasizing and declaring that i have a life as exciting as a pack of clorets. Go figure.
Once again, i let myself fall into the pits and succumb to the devil's game. I'm now in the state whereby i feel that love is actually created by the devil to satisfy his desire for pain and deriving pleasure from the emotional rollercoasters faced by the parties. Oh well.
Shan't mention too much about it other than I'm sorry. I know you would read this, someday.
School's closed and reopened and now its the last year of what had been a wonderful phase of my life. I've met many people that I could picture drinking coffee with when we're old at the KillhisNI Kopitiam or going geylang with, bald hair and all, eating chicken rice. (If you're dumb enough to read and think chicken rice as chicken rice and nothing more, may your God save you.)
I know this is random, but have i told you i hate ugly people? I guess not. So now i'm telling you ok. Alright. Okok stop it. Alright alright. Freak for goodness sake stop it alright. Ok.
Haha. =p
Ok sorry.
Alright.
FUCK!
OKOK!
Alrig...*what is perceived to be the sound of chainsaws and m4a1s rings in the background*
ugh. freaks.
As i was saying.. I hate Ugly People!
U know sometimes when you're queuing for food at China.. (I will talk about China, India, Biz Park and the likes later, which is driving me crazy too.) and suddenly some assholes keep talking and talking about lame and freak stuff that makes no sense and is like so freaking nerdish and uncool and all that jazz and you're like standing there and you can't help but listen cos they're like just freaking behind you. You think to urself man this guys are losers. They talk bout losers stuff and the least their maker could do was to at least make them look good with nicely styled hair and firm features and good dress sense. BUT NO! They are like freaking ugly. And that is an understatement. I almost vomitted my food out looking at them. And mind you, i haven't even eaten yet. So if they're THAT UGLY to make you want to vomit your food out even though you havent eaten yet, they're THAT UGLY.
freaks.
I think they shouldn't exist in this world. I mean seriously, this is a very xian shi world. If you're talented but ugly, it's ok you can still make it big. Look @ Andrew Chow, Resident DJ of Phuture. I mean that guy's not exactly a looker but man, he's the best in the country. If you're handsome but you're empty up there (and i mean real empty like you could keep a thousand birds and half a giraffe in there) it's still ok cos girls will still flock to you like nobody's business. But no, there is no place in this world for people who are THAT UGLY. Ugh.
Have i told you i hate ugly people!?
I did?
oh ok.
Alright!
NO U FREAK UR SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD BY NOW.
Oh ya hor, sorry. *goes back to the blood stained trashbags*
ugh.
Oh ya, so now. To China and India and Biz Park and the likes. (If you don't know where China and India is, i won't tell you in this blog cos later the people from the i-got-nothing-to-do-so-i-read-blogs-everyday-and-jail-those-who-are-racist-sexist-countryist-animalist-and-brandist department of the government come and find me. And i know Jonathan is inside. And he reads my blog. SO YEAH. You can't catch me so easily boss!) Yeah as i was saying. The school canteens are like freaking crowded now. You can't even find a seat unless you're Mr Boo or something.
BOOSAMALIA!
haha sorry couldn't help it.
Bah. Just the other morning, i was taking 27 (which as usual, you can't freaking board @ 9am in the morning!) and when it reached the tampines stop, THE WHOLE FREAKING BUS STOP WAS FILLED WITH TP STUDENTS AND TP STUDENTS. Nothing else BUT TP STUDENTS!
wahlaoseh.
I hope i won't turn like freaking desperate when i'm enlisted in the army cos from what i've seen yesterday at Phuture. Freak, the botaks were fucking desperate! And they're ugly. Have i told you what i feel about ugly people? Yes. So stop stealing pretty and hot babes from the aesthetically advantaged individuals like us.
ugh.
OH YA OH YA. I GOT SOMETHING TO SHARE.. Did you know!!?!! That next thursday is the 18th of May? Yeah.
=)
cheers.
alano.
